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Pornography Addiction: What Can a Wife Do?
by
Angie Lewis
First of all, don't give up on your marriage! Porn addiction doesn't
have to mean the end to marriage. In fact, it is time to nurture
your marriage with the tender loving care it so needs and deserves.
You can actually learn from this and have a better marriage over it.
I encourage you to put forth every effort to reinforce the bonds of
trust and love that may have been broken between you and your
husband.
The moral outcome of a husband viewing pornography does not only
affect him but the wife as well. A wife may feel unloved,
invalidated, and sexually unattractive. "Why doesn't he want sex
with me anymore? Why does he look at all those gorgeous naked women?
What's wrong with me?"
Nothing at all is wrong with you! This problem has NOTHING to do
with you. It is your husband's problem. Don't make yourself feel
victimized by this issue in your marriage. Your husband is looking
at porn and acting out sexually because of an underlying problem
within his inner awareness that is still haunting him. He may not
even be aware of it himself.
Most likely your husbands porn addiction is caused by something
unpleasant that happened to him in his childhood that is manifesting
itself within his mind. He may be feeling anguish over his past and
for a temporary "feel better" fix your husband is acting out his
emotional pain and feelings of grief through the use of porn. It
makes him feel better emotionally and mentally.
The "fix" for your marriage is to figure out what the underlying
cause of your husbands emotional suffering is so you can find ways
in which to make him feel better about himself through upright and
moral objectives rather than through the use of lustful imagery.
This mission can be accomplished with the help of God and with your
loving support.
Is your husband trying to quit his addiction? Is he willing to
repent for his actions and seek God for a healthy spiritual mind? If
he is ready and willing to make the effort to work on himself and
the marriage then he needs your support now more than ever!
You should make every effort to help him through this demoralizing
time in his life. Be strong for him but guide him through it so he
will not feel alone in this endeavor. Don't blame yourself for this
happening in your marriage. Have the faith to know that you both can
overcome this imbalance in your marriage with the help of God on
your side!
Your husband's self esteem is probably at its all time low right now
because of what the addiction has done to him mentally and
spiritually. The battle for him is he really thinks he cannot stop
looking at porn. He thinks he NEEDS it. It's like an alcoholic who
thinks he really NEEDS a drink. The thought of not having that drink
(fix) is terrifying. I know this, I was there. As with any addiction
there is an underlying emotional battle waging war within the
addicted person.
Don't expect anything from him in the bedroom for while. Realize
that the addiction has messed up his arousal department for a short
time. But don't worry because it won’t last long. Do not demean or
poke fun over this or you will make things worse for him. It is not
because you are not sexy or that he doesn't love you. Remember, this
is your husbands problem, not yours.
Let your husband tell you when he is ready for sexual intercourse.
In the meantime, the best way to be supportive in this area is to be
patient and loving.
1. Try to help your husband to open up to you and find out what the
underlying reason for the addiction is. Be open and honest by
communicating your feelings properly and carefully. Be gentle and
sweet instead of blaming and accusatory. This will only shut him
down.
An alcoholic is addicted to alcohol and the symptoms are drinking. A
sexually addicted person is addicted to sex and the symptoms are the
acting out part of it. As with the alcoholic, there is an underlying
problem that causes the alcoholic to drink and or the sexually
addicted person to act out in lustful ways.
2. Remove everything in the home that would be sexually tempting and
or invite sexual visual stimuli. Put a filter on the computer or
stow it away in a closet temporarily until your husband feels he
doesn't need to act out sexually.
3. Reinforce your husband's self worth everyday. Do things together
that would help him to get his mind off of lustful stimuli and
sexual imagery. Encourage him and give him hope. Search for success
stories on the Internet and print them out for your husband to read.
Let him know that he is not alone. Your husband and you can conquer
porn addiction together WITH the help of God.
4. This is the most important aspect of recovery, after recognizing
the underlying cause; seek out God's will for your troubles. Study,
learn, and research the bible together. Read out loud to each other
different passages. Move yourselves closer to having a personal
relationship with Jesus Christ and He will help your husband from
being tempted.
Blessed is the man who preserves under trial, because when he has
stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God promised
to those who love him. James 1:12
You can still love and support your husband. Tell him you love him
but that you don't like the addiction in him. This gets him to see
that he is a separate person from the sexual addict, and that he
doesn’t NEED it.
Some husband's are still in denial that there is even a problem, but
when you separate the addict from the person, he understands that
the addiction is NOT really who he is or what he can become in life.
He is a child of God; therefore the addiction comes from Satan. He
needs to fight it, that's all!
5. When the time comes and your husband is ready to have intercourse
do not have high expectations. Take things slow and expect to be let
down. If he cannot get an erection or keep an erection for very long
let your husband know that you understand and it's okay. Eventually
when there is no pressure to perform you husband will surprise you.
About the Author:
Angie Lewis is the author of two marriage books.
"Journey on the Roads Less Traveled", a book about love, life, addiction, and marriage.
"Love The Man Your Married. This book tackles areas in marriage that couples need to know and
understand and apply for a successful marriage. This book is a most reliable resource for married
couples, from infidelity issues to complete forgiveness.
For more information on these books visit Angie's website and signup for the free monthly newsletter
while you're there!
http://www.heavenministries.com
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